Splitsville!

This week in celebrity breakups!

So, quite a few couples called it dunzo and ended their relationships this week. We present to you, the three most infamous breakups of the week:

In happier times...

1. CHRISTINA AGUILERA & DUANE "DOG" CHAPMAN:

A long string of events, mainly regarding Xtina's personal life, finally made The Dog throw in the towel.

A source close to the couple explains that Xtina's complete lack of interest in finding her, apparently missing son, 5 year old Max Liron made things snowball.

He also does not approve of her new, old take on 2004 mega hit: carwash. He finds the video: "Not suited for human eyes" and "an abomination on the world".

Xtina was seen leaving Dog's Hollywood Hills home on monday on her bike, declaring to the paparazzi that she was "never f***ing coming back"!

Xtina leaving The Dog.

Xtina's reps confirm the split with the following statement:

"It is true that Miss Aguilera and Mr. Chapman are no longer  a couple. They will not remain friends, and everything they bought together will be given to charity".

So there is that. No more sweet, sweet bounty huntin' for these two...

No more schwanß for Paris...

2. PARIS HILTON & GERMAN NAPKIN HEIRE CLAUS "üBERRASCHUNG" TEILMANN:

This has not been the best week Paris Hilton. As her disturbing case on organized animal prostitution unravels, Paris has not only lost her freedom, but also her on-again off-again love connection with "überraschung", the billionaire german napkin-playboy. 

He has made it very public, that he no longer wishes to be affiliated with miss Hilton, being a vivid raccoon lover himself. 

His publicist declares that there will be no more napkin folding between Teilmann and Paris in the future!

Oh well...

Yeezus you're tall!

3. KIM KARDASHIAN & KANYE WEST YEEZUS

This one we didn't see coming! 

Only days after welcoming baby girl Kardashian-West-Yeezus, the couple calls it quits. 

We still have very little information on how and why, but an insider reveals that it "probably had something to do with hight". 

Kanye has, very famously, chosen to grow almost 3 feet in the last three months, and Kim thinks that they now "look stupid as a couple". 

We will keep you posted, as we get to the bottom of this, very surprising, break up!

Everything on this blog is complete and utter B.S. Every picture is photoshopped and/or manipulated in some way. Should anything collide with reality, it would be purely coincidential.  No harm or malice is intended. This is purely made as a humourous comment on tabloid absurdity.